


Pijn

by mommasboy



Category: DAYS (Anime & Manga), Days(tv)
Genre: Additional characters will be added - Freeform, M/M, Nightmares, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape, Sad Kimishita, Supportive ooshiba, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-07 05:50:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8785582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mommasboy/pseuds/mommasboy
Summary: painpān/￼noun1.physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness Verb1.cause mental or physical pain to.de·pres·siondəˈpreSH(ə)n/noun1.feelings of severe despondency and dejection."self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression"rape[reyp]noun1.unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim"You have been acting weird lately,  everything ok?"





	1. Anger Vs. Fear

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning Rape/ non-con

Kimishita; 

Anger.

Anger is what Kimishita have known. What he is used to. Anger is his comfort, his  _safe zone._

Kimishita is anger. _Red, hot and blazing._  

For as long as he remembered, Kimishita has always been, an angry person. Always angry, and never without a frown. He doesn't remember a time when he wasn't angry. 

 _Angry, angry, angry._ That is all he's ever been, so why, what is happening now, why isn't he angry? Why isn't he an-

 

_He looks left and right, his hair bouncing rapidly._

 

 

Fear is something Kimishita hates. He hates, hates it. That is why he avoid feeling it. Pushes it out. He replace his fear with anger. As a child, he did not fear anything, not his father, not any of his teachers. Not even that creepy principle with the missing teeth and saggy eyes.

As a child he never had monsters under his bed, or in his closet. He was not afraid of bugs, not of rats and not of dogs or cats. Not anything.

His first experience with fear was when he was only twelve. His father got in a car accident. He remembers being called out of class, saying his father was badly injured and they didn't know if he was going to survive.

Fear is cold and dark. Its damp. It creeps up through the crack of your walls and makes itself known. It slithers and it expands. Fear doesn't go, it stays and make room in your brain and constantly reminds you why you fear. Happy passes, anger passes, sad passes, but fear stays, it lingers and it brings friends to stay along.  

   

     Fear brings paranoia, and brings depression and the inability to do anything. Fear, gets into your brain and makes it stop, so you can't think about anything but that. Fear reminds you, and when you start to forget, it hits you hard again.

Kimishita prefers angry. He is always angry. Red hot and blazing. His anger is explosive, it's familiar, it's safe. He needs it. Anger keeps fear out.

Fear is cold and dark.

Anger is hot and red.

Anger keeps Kimishita pumping, it makes him move and it makes him greedy, and it makes him go.

Anger is what Kimishita needs right now. But he doesn't _have_ it. He doesn't _have_ it and he _needs_ it.

Kimishita is scared, _scared._ He doesn't get _scared,_ he gets _angry._ So why is he _scared_?

The man, whoever he is, is smiling. His smile is cold, and drips his nasty cold liquid into Kimishita.

He reminds Kimishita why he's scared.

Kimishita, he doesn't understand how he got here, he doesn't even know where _here_ is. And he can't stop shaking.

Scared is not fear, but it's doing a good job at it. It's blocking anger. Scared implants itself into his brain.

Convincing his body to stop moving. When its not supposed to stop moving.

That's why he hates fear. It drips, drips and gets stuck on everything, every piece of him.

That man grabs a hold of his arms. He's twisting them and it _hurts_ but Kimishita _can't move._ Anger is not here, scared is blocking anger. Fear is not here yet but scared is doing a good job taking it's place.

He almost screams help, but his throat is swelling and he can't speak. And he doesn't need help.

Anger comes, and he's relieved. Anger brings shoves and punches and kicks, but not screams and yells. Anger come silently.

The man, he is strong. The back of Kimishita’s mind wonders. ‘Is it cause he's a man and I'm a boy?’  The thought get pushes, back. With the others. Anger takes over and Kimishita comes up blank.

 _Stopstopstopstopstopstop_ it repeats itself.

It circles in Kimishita’s mind but it does not come out. His lips are locked tightly. He tries, and tries to pry them open, but he's not in control right now. The man is. He forces him down. Kimishita still trying to fight but he can't,  _he can't because he's weak an-_

 

Scared comes back, and scared brings tears. His pride pushes the tears back. A voice ringed in his head, _‘A man must not cry.’_ That voice is stupid, but his body listens, as that voice has conditioned him into thinking _boys don't cry_.

The man is heavy, and he stinks. He breathes and it seeps into Kimishita, blocking his pathways.

_Blank_

Somewhere he shuts it all out,he stops kicking, punching and shoving. His mouth is loose and he can't think.

His shorts are gone. His shirt is gone.

He can't feel his arms. He thinks they're gone, detached from his body.

He sees darkness. The man grips his waist, his finger nails etching a print if his body. He feels him, the man,  on his thigh.

It's hard and wet. His, the man’s, erection is dripping, and Kimishita gags. _‘Disgusting’_

 

“Pretty.” The man whispers, his voice wet and sloppy. 

 

And Kimishita lose it.

 

Fear comes slithering in. His dome of pride cracks and tears come. They force their way over and he's leaking.

_Nononononononononononononononon_

It spills out of his mouth in a hurry, his words stumbling over each other. He says this in a whisper. It slowly gets louder and he's gasping for breath now and he fears.

The man pushes against his entrance and he looks up.

_Monster_

The word whispered in the back of his mind.

The man leaned down, _“pretty.”_ He breathes in Kimishita’s ear.

Monster matches him indeed.

The man presses more and Kimishita thinks, _‘this is not real.’_

The man pushes, _forces,_  past his prostate walls and he's bleeding, on the floor.

It tears him apart. Rips him completely. His teeth is clenched tightly. He is shaking, the man don't seem to notice. The man is stuck on his own pleasure, he doesn't seem to notice he's hurting Kimishita.

Kimishita notice, and Kimishita hates, and burn and hurts. He wishes desperately that this was not real, and he was home or at the shop, but it's real and he fears. Everything is dark. The man's drool lends everywhere and Kimishita feels infected.

The man finish, but he's not done.

 _“You have no idea how badly I wanted to do this to you since I first saw you, be careful I know a couple guys who could do a whole lot worse.”_ He smirks and acts like he did Kimishita a favor. His voice is permanently etched into Kimishita's brain. 

Then he leaves. Like that. With Kimishita on the floor bleeding.

And Kimishita thinks. _‘What could be worse?’_

  
  
  
  
  


 


	2. Chapter 2

For Kimishita, pain isn't something to think about. It's there, it last a while and then it's gone. Maybe if he ignored it long enough it will go away. That was his mentality. But that was physical pain. This, what he is feeling right now is completely different. He's some where he doesn't recognize and he back is to the floor and he's bleeding everywhere. 

 

He's numb. Yet, the pain is vivid. He's numb. Yet every single cell in his body aches. He's numb. Yet he's hurting so fucking much and he can't take it. 

 

And it's just like,  _why, why why why why why why why why why whywhywwyywhwywhyhw_

He hates this, he hates the tears, and he hates how vulnerable he feels, and how vulnerable he _is_.  

There's a single thought he just wants to keep off his mind. It finds a way, but he tries and tries and tries to keep it out. 

_" I just got raped."_

No. No, no no no no no nonononononoonno NO! Boys don't get  _raped._ Kimishita does not get  _raped._ That's not something that should happen to him, that's not something that's  _supposed_ to happen to him. 

He closes his eyes. Maybe this is just a bad dream. 

 

 

 

 

He doesn't know how, but he manages to get up. The sharp pain in his back side is quick to remind him of what just occurred. It scares him to think that what happened today is something that he will always remember.  

He takes a step, sways a little and the pain is unbearable. Takes another and realize, his making his way towards his new life. Takes a third step and already he feels like dying. Fourth step seems like nothing is going to get better. Fifth step he's crying, biting his lip to stop any sound from escaping. Sixth step and he feels like he is dying. In the seventh step the exit does not seem nearer. Eight step he realized he forgot his shorts and underwear. Ninth step brings him backwards. Tenth step with his down he's ashamed. Take a moment to breathe, eleventh step is harder then all the rest. 

 

Trying to bend down to get his clothes, Kimishita feels lost. There's a bump in his brain and for a minute he can't see. Another and he feels dizzy. Another and he can't breathe. Moments pass it's ok again. 

He picks the clothes and his legs are shaking. He tries to put them on without looking down, he doesn't want to see, he doesn't want to see. 

one leg in and he sways, other leg in and that sharp pain came back. Repeat. 

Walking, didn't get easier. The exit still looked far no matter how many steps he took. The place was dark, and he felt afraid. He wasn't ever afraid of the dark, not even he was small, not after ghost stories, or after scary movies, no, not ever. But here he was, afraid of the dark, like something was going to jump out, like  _it_ was going to happen again. 

_It did happen in the dark, didn't it?_

That's why Kimishita didn't see his face, so he didn't know what he looked like. Well he was a monster so he looked like a monster. No matter how strong the pain was, he walked a little bit faster. He wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. 

He remembered reading this article about how when you're in a stressful situation, you should always remember to control your breathing. But it's not something he can do now. 

He's outside now, his shorts are on, his shirt is on yet he feels so exposed. He looks left, then right and nobody's there. Alone. 

He looks down at the pavement and tries to remember the steps he took to get here. He sees his bag at the corner of his eye. It's laying there. Lost and forgotten. He reaches for it but he feels like he can't pick it up, it's so far, like how he used to be, it's so far, like how he didn't know fear. And he ponders on a thought.  _Why did he walk down this road._ Why did he walk somewhere that was so under populated. The abandoned underground parking lot where he got raped. Why did he walk down a road he knew was dangerous. 

Why did he walk down this road.

 

 

He made his way towards a path that he knew by heart, or he should know by heart. 

_Step_

He felt like he was walking somewhere different. He knew where he was going, but walking down this road he sometimes walk down on, it's was different. Distracted by the crude pain of his backside, the numbing paranoia that threatens his very existence, and the constant and unwanted thought of  _'i just got raped.'_

No, this time was very different. 

 

 

some how, he made it home. The bag was with him, he managed to pick it up. He knew the keys were in there. When he reached for the keys is when he realized his hands were shaking, and not just his hands, he was shaking. And the fear clawed up his spine and made itself known. Lips pressed into a tight line, the crease on his that was typically on his eyes and forehead were gone. His eyes were more widen then they have ever been. He took a glance at himself in the window. He looked strange, and frightened and Kimishita never looked so much  _younger_ even when he was young, and he never looked frightened either. 

Out of character, he was acting out of character

He had to remind himself, he got fucking  _raped._ Who wouldn't be out of character. 

He pulled out his keys and tried his best to keep his hands from shaking. 

He walked into his house, quickly making sure there was no one around. 

In his house, he took off his shoes and made his way to his room, not even checking to see if his father was home. He knew he wasn't, his father was never home at that time. He knew he had bright red circles under his eyes, he cried so much in one day then he has ever done in his whole life. 

 


	3. Nighttime nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The theme of this chapter is; monsters looking through my windows.

It was there in his dreams. Sleep should've been relief, yet it was a terror. It seems like nothing could take it away. It was there, everywhere.  
Fear cascade down his spine like water droplets.  
When he got home he said he would bathe but he really didn't feel like taking off his close. It was disgusting, he was sweaty and his clothes clung to his wet body, but he would deal with that later. Right now, Kimishita did not feel like taking a shower, so he wouldn't, that was in his control.  
He walked right past the restroom straight to his bedroom. His shoes squeaked across the wood flooring. The sound distracted him from his depressive thoughts a little.  
It had started to rain outside, the sound of it hitting the pavement and the roof calmed Kimishita a little. Ever since he was a child, he loved rain, it had been raining the day he was born. He thought it was fitting, but his parents didn’t, they thought it was a waste since it was such a happy day for them.  
Kimishita thought about, bringing another life is kind of a beautiful thing, then he thought of that man and it wasn’t so beautiful anymore. Some lives don’t need to be lived.  
The futon was already laid out neatly since he didn’t see the point of putting it away that morning. He knew he was going to come back exhausted but not that exhausted.  
Things didn’t exactly go as he planned them.  
He quickly fell to the futon, the sweat from his body already beginning to dry off at the coldness of the room. The cold grips of fear still held him tightly, but as his exhaustion pulled him into the deep darkness of sleep, it began to wear off.

Slowly, he drifted off………

-  
-  
-  
“Bang” the sound of his fist hitting the floor bounced off the walls. He woke up with a start, heavy breathing, his heart beating out of his chest.  
“No” The broken whisper almost came out silently from his part lips, his were eyes so tightly shut the eyelids looked strained. He moved his hand off the floor and unto the futon, gripping it tightly. Hints of tears escaped through his tightly shut eyes. The nightmare he had was still ringing in his head. That man's voice was etched into his very soul. “No.” He whispered again, this time louder. “Not again, never again.’ He said, even though his voice wavered, he spoke with finality. And kimishita believed it, that was not something he was going to ever let happen again. He had to, he had to hold on to that resolve or else…….

-  
-  
-  
Hot  
Hot  
Everything was so hot  
He tried to shake it off, but his body couldn’t wouldn’t move.  
He tried to scream but his throat couldn’t wouldn’t open.  
He tried to, do anything but he couldn’t, wouldn’t.  
His eye’s, they were the only thing that seemed to be working.  
There was a monster, with multiple faces and skinny long hands. There was a monster, one who climbed and climbed and climbed and littered him with scars and burns.  
There was a monster who seemed to be growing larger and larger. There was a monster who left him shaking and alone. There was a monster who seems to come out of nowhere. There was a monster who could shrink down to the smallest particle, almost disappear, making Kimishita think he’s safe, then bounces back and completely ruin him. There was a monster, one like no other, its name was fear.  
-  
-  
-  
Kimishita woke up with a startle. ‘Deep breaths.’ He reminded himself. ‘Deep breaths.’  
It was 7 am, he needed to go to school. He needed to go but he couldn’t even bring himself to get up. He didn’t even know how long he’s been in bed. His father was not home as always. He reached for his phone, feeling around until he felt something. He picked it up, 26 missed calls it blinked at him. His mouth felt dry. He looks at the date, his eyes widen, it’s been 2 days. No wonder why he was feeling so weak, and he had a fever. He stumbled up but his legs gave out under him. He was breathing heavy too. He thought about calling someone, but the shame was too much, the last thing he needed was more embarrassment. He decided since no one was watching him, he would do the less shameful thing but shameful nonetheless and crawl. He made his way to the kitchen and tried to use the counter the stand himself up. He finally managed to get himself off of the ground, by the end of it he was breathing so hard he thought his lungs were going to explode. With most of his weight on the counter, he began tentative steps forward. His legs were wobbly and he couldn’t manage his weight. His face was and beat, his frown was not angry but distressed. He almost reached the fridge, but his legs gave out. Kimishita let out a broken sob. “Why?” He questioned no one. “Why me?”

He couldn’t move from the spot on the floor, his hands sunk between his parted thighs, they balled into weak fist. His eyes trained on the floor, he raised one loose fist and slammed it on the floor as hard as he could. One more. Another one. He did until his hands were as sore and throbbing as the rest of his body and he felt a little less frustrated. The pain was a really good distraction. He thought about why his legs, usually so strong, has been replaced with jelly. With blazing cheeks and shameful eyes, he thought, ‘anal tear.’

He felt like crying all over again.  
-  
-  
-  
He fell asleep again, on the kitchen floor. At least he slept peacefully this time. He felt a little bit more refreshed. With the little bit of strength he could muster he lifted himself off the ground, his legs still felt like jelly because of the fever and that. He felt triumphant when he managed to pull himself up. He didn’t know why he felt so happy at the smallest accomplishments but it didn’t matter because he could be happy for himself. Still able to feel something besides fear and despair. Even though he felt so broken…

He shook his, not going to do down that road  
He reached for the cabinet right next to the fridge, it took a lot of effort but he managed to reach the medicine. They kept their medicine in their kitchen instead of the bathroom because he thought it was more convenient when he was sick so he didn’t have to move too much. He didn’t know how right he was. He’s really glad he’s such a cautious person not cautious enough  
He blinked.  
The medicine was in the hands, he popped the pill bottle open and dried swallowed 2 pills. They were pretty strong and taking anymore would kill him that didn’t sound like such a bad plan  
He reached for the fridge, taking out some bottled water. He reached to where he kept to the wet ramen packet.  
He did what he could and made chicken ramen, by the end of it he felt like he was going to pass out again. When he finished his food and water he felt a lot stronger. He walked a little more stable but he still needed help so he leaned against the walls and made his way back to his bedroom. By the end of that ordeal, it was already late, the fever pills began to settle in and fatigue hit him as soon as he laid down. With that, he fell into a fever-induced nightmare. It made its way down his throat and settled at the bottom of his stomach. The darkness encased him, no light peeked through, yet it was strangely comforting.

Things felt less foreign in the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end quote "Things feel less foreign in the dark." Is actually from one of the books I recently read, anyone who could tell me what book it's from first wins a one-shot about whatever they want, anyone who can tell me where the theme of the chapter came first from also wins a one-shot also. I'll give you a hint; it's a song.


	4. Bathroom Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimishita would never imagining his lowest being having a panic attack on the boys bathroom floor with Kiichi sweet talking him on the other side of the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol my safe haven is corners idk why. I've never been raped but I have experiences with sexual assault and abuse to say the least. It's still not the same thing as me having been raped. As a guy, writing about another guy that has been raped is surprisingly not weird. I put some of my tendencies into both characters. And I actually did have a kind of panic attack but not really in my school. My safe haven in my new highschool is the guidance counselors office at lunch because she leaves me alone in there and I love being by myself for a whole 45 minutes, it's amazing. I love my privacy.

Waking up the next morning Kimishita felt as though he was on autopilot. 

Doing his usual routine and he locked up and headed out promptly ignoring the pain in his body. 

It felt weird though, he felt better than he did yesterday but it didn’t feel great. Not bad either. 

He felt kind of  _ faded… _

  
  


_ “Yo Kimishita.”  _

He would recognize that voice anywhere. Kimishita sighed, he don’t think he could deal with Kiichi today. 

He was almost at the school students walking along the pathway, talking to their friends or making noise. He prefered to ignore them. 

With his pace, Ooshiba would catch up to him in no time. And that he did, grabbing him by the shoulder which surprise Kimishita more than it should’ve have.  

Then suddenly, it snapped. Whatever zone Kimishita was in quickly disappeared. He felt that familiar anger seeping back into his bones, the slight slouch in his posture quickly straighten itself. His frown slid back into place, he felt more  _ natural.  _

But he knew, he knew it was lacking. He knew that this was just a front, his flames were put out by that, that monster.. He couldn’t bring himself to care though, he convince himself that this will work, _for now._

 

“What do you want.” He groaned out, not even throwing a look back at the other boy. The hand on his shoulder felt hot and heavy and Kimishita force himself not to squirm his way out of the lax grip. 

“Huh?” Ooshiba grimace, he quickly got up on the others face. “You were absent for like a fucking week, missing practice on top of it, now you have the nerve to come strolling in like nothing happened.” 

He was angry, but Kimishita couldn’t bring himself to care. He just couldn’t. The frown slid right off. 

“I was sick.” He said simply.

They finally got to the school when he lost Ooshiba. He was probably standing there looking stupid. Kimishita knows why. In all the years that they’ve known each other. Kimishita never really got sick and never even miss a day of school. That’s probably why Ooshiba said he missed like a week when it was just a 2 days. The guy was a drama queen. 

-

-

-

Kimishita wasn’t stupid, he knew he look like shit, but, that doesn’t exactly warrant the freak show looks he’s getting. 

Something hot crawls down his back, his heart aches and his breathing increases. 

He tries to ignore them as he walks towards his class but the  stares are heavy, he seem to get feverish even though he took his medicine. 

Making his way towards his class he open the doors. Immediately eyes are on him. Then the whispers start. His old self would’ve glared at everyone in the room but he wasn’t feeling so up to it. So he just took his seat and slide his pair of glasses out of his briefcase bag. 

He felt better after putting them on, he could see clearer. The familiar pain in his nose was grounding, from the other aches all over his body, the ones he wishes he could forget. 

But it was better, doing mindless work as the teacher starts droning on about some topic he couldn't care less for. That prevent his mind from straying. It was familiar territory.

 

-

-

-

Kimishita flinched at the sudden hand on his shoulder. Trying to keep a weird look off his face. His eyebrow twitched when he saw Kiichi standing there, or kneeling to be exact. He was at eye level with Kimishita, his eyebrows raised. 

“Dude, what’s up you. You’ve been spacing out for the longest. It’s gym time already.”

Carefully, Kimishita pushed back his chair and got up. Kiichi watched him the entire time like a hawk. It made a ripple under Kimishita’s skin, something stuck in his throat. He ignored the feelings, the strangeness of himself. 

Kiichi followed him out the door, uncharacteristically quiet. 

Kimishita ignored him and kept walking, making his way to the changing rooms. 

Then it hit him. 

He still have bruises. And they are  _ very  _ shapely. He can’t change in there. Stopping abruptly cause the giant to almost bump into him. 

“What the fuck, Atsushi!” He sputtered. “Don’t just stop like that-”

Kiichi stopped. Blinked. Once. Twice. 

“You ok? You look a little pale.” 

Kimishita didn’t answer, just tighten his lips more breathing through his nose heavily. 

_ He would have to strip  _

Backing off quickly, Kimishita returned to the classroom in sharp controlled steps. 

 

He would just have to skip gym. 

-

-

-

He blinked once  _ twice.  _

_ ‘Where am I?’ _

The last thing he remember was returning to the classroom. He looked around. He recognize this street, it was the main street he took to get to school. The busy one with a lot of people. He was standing at the intersection waiting to cross. 

He sighed. 

This was definitely something dangerous. He couldn’t imagine blanking off and ending up in some place he don’t even know. 

‘ _ Well, this was probably just a one time thing.’ _

 

As soon as Kimishita got home he wanted to take a shower. His hair feel greasy and it probably looks it. 

By the time he almost finished undressing he caught his reflection in the mirror by the western style tub. 

He was standing in his typical black boxer briefs. It contrasted against his skin which have gotten way paler than his usual skin. That was normal since it was fall after all and the sun was not like it was in summer.

It wasn’t that though. The bruises on his arms, thighs, stomach and back was what caught his attentions. Some were still and angry red, while others were a dark purple. They looked painful but he couldn’t feel them. He couldn’t feel anything. It would probably take two to three months to heal. He probably had some cuts also, though they were not deep enough to scar. He caught skin of the back of his forearm and back, they were scraped badly. 

 

Under the intense heat of the shower head Kimishita didn’t have nothing on his mind. He turned the water as hot as humanly possible and then some. 

He didn’t care if it burned him. With this he felt like he was washing everything away. 

Yet it was still so strange how he didn’t feel anything but the head splitting, ear ringing headache that hit him when he walked out the house this morning. 

He didn’t bother though, it will go away. It will pass. 

He presses his right hand on his left wrist, tight.

It will pass.

 

-

-

He pushes pass a worried looking Kiichi and headed up the stairs to the boys bathroom. He headed to the one at the end of the hall that nobody really used anymore since it was inconvienient. It was cleaner than most, just like he liked it. 

Looking under every stall to make sure no one was there, Kimishita walked into the last stall. Careful not to make any noise, he fitted himself into the left corner of the stall, wrapping his arms around his knees. 

Kimishita has learned to control his breathing from years of soccer. 

He bites down a whimper from the sudden outburst of  _ feeling.  _ He almost exploded because it was  _too much._  

_ And Kimishita wonders, how can you be so empty one moment and so consumed the next.  _

The tears fell without warning. And then he’s sobbing as quietly as possible on the boys bathroom floor of his high school. He thinks this is the lowest he has ever been. Kimishita thinks of  _ him.  _

The one who caused all this.  _ Him.  _ The shadow he has been trying to push to the back of his mind but it doesn’t work,  _ it doesn’t work,  _ **it doesn’t work.**

 

There’s a bang as the door slams open with too much force and Kimishita hates how he flinches at the noise. He quiets down into small whimpers and sniffles and he hopes the person leaves soon because he doesn’t want someone to see him crying and biting down on his hand so hard he thinks it might bleed. 

Then he hears footsteps and Kimishita tries, will himself to  _ be quiet.  _ But he can’t and he thinks it worst because his breath hitches in his throat and he swells up because all he can think about is how those  _ footsteps sound so much like his footsteps.  _ They are so heavy and they weight down Kimishita until he feels heavier than a bag of bricks. He’s hiccuping now and he can tell even in this state the footsteps are getting closer. 

He lets out a broken, “ _ no.”  _

It doesn’t sound anything like him. The footsteps stop exactly in front of his stall. 

“Uh,” A voice said and automatically recognize it. “Whoever’s in there, are you all right?” It’s Kiichi. Kimishita would’ve rolled his eyes if he was able to, but he was too busy crying and trying to keep his breathing under control. 

“Listen, I’m gonna stay outside of the stall, I won’t try to come in and you don’t have to come out. I’ll just talk, you don’t have to listen.” 

Kimishita doesn’t try to respond, just continue sniffling, not trying to be any louder. It’s weird because Kiichi sounds so  _ tender.  _ Kimishita almost believe he’s delirious. 

 

“You’re crying, so you uh, must feel pretty bad.” 

 

He can’t see him but Kimishita thinks he’s probably scratching his hair. That’s what he does when he can’t find the words or feel awkward. Kimishita smiles a little. 

 

“You know, you probably do since you’re doing it, but a friend of mine says crying it cathargic or something.” Poor git, he got it mixed up. It’s cathartic, cathargic isn’t even a word Kimishita lets out a broken chuckle. “I don’t know I’m probably saying it wrong. Hey are you laughing at me?” He says with faux anger, laughing also. 

“Yeah, so basically it’s good for you and you shouldn’t feel ashamed to cry cause it’s natural blah blah blah. He’s kind of a nerd.”

Kimishita knows who he’s talking about since it’s him. He told Kiichi that since Kiichi was blabbing his big mouth and saying shit like real men don’t cry. He just said that to tell Kiichi off he didn’t actually practice what he preached. He still felt that shame at the pit of his stomach even if he tries not to, it was instilled in him for too long to be so easily taken away. He wishes he was as airheaded as Kiichi sometimes. 

“I don’t cry a lot since I don’t have anything to cry for, y’know. It’s pretty swell.” 

God this guy didn’t know how to talk to people. Yes Kiichi tell the guy that’s crying on the bathroom floor how good your life is. 

“Well, clearly your life ain’t so swell. You don’t gotta answer this but ima ask it anyway, did something happen?” 

Kimishita’s lips quivered around his hand, eyes wide. He considers whispering it to Kiichi, like a broken telephone. A secret passed down from him to Kiichi’s ever accepting ears. But he falters, what if Kiichi recognize him, what if he already did. What if he  _ knew.  _

He bites down on his arm again a quiet groan escaping him. 

Kiichi hums thoughtfully. “Something bad, eh?”

“You know something, I knew this girl, she had been raped when she was like 9 I think, and she used to have these attacks, I don’t know what to call ‘em since they were not really panic attacks, she just stared wide eyed at the wall, like something was coming out of it. Like, I don’t think you’ve ever seen the face of absolute terror. The fear in that girls eyes was something I’ll never forget. That look on her face. You’ve probably been through something similar. I can tell, those noise you making now was the same ones she used to make when she had actual panic attacks, she was way louder though. But you guys have the same wavelengths I guess. Something bout feeling more than looking.” 

Kimishita couldn’t believe it. Did he really just figure all that out. 

“Atsushi, I know it’s you. You can talk to me y’know. Not right now tho, but come over. You know the place.” 

_ No, he’s the last person I wanted to know.  _

Kimishita can feel himself hyperventilating. He just couldn’t handle it. Closing his eyes, he grabbed his head and his hand, covering his ears. He just wanted to disappear because this was not happening. No way, no way. He can feel his eyes watering again. He has no idea when the tears stopped but they are starting again and Kimishita don’t think he can handle it. He can’t handle it. He feels his vision starts to blur. A bang faintly registered in his mind. He doesn’t see the door opening from where Kiichi punched a hole in the cheap plastic and forced it open. 

Doesn’t registered being lifted or carried. Everything just faded into black. 

Somehow, this darkness was different from the dim lighting of the garage. Because there is no light, so there is no shadow so there is no man, so there is no  _ him,  _ so there is no fear. 

**Author's Note:**

> I really want to bring light to male rape.


End file.
